It has taken me almost 2 months to be able to write this post. I started off the year writing a much happier post… a pregnancy announcement. And then the unthinkable happened. I lost the baby.
It’s hard and complicated writing these words, but ultimately I know it will help myself and hopefully others because it’s easier when you know you’re not alone in your struggles. Miscarriage doesn’t have to be a secret. You don’t have to go through it alone.
Only a couple times in my life (loss of loved ones) have I ever felt the emotional pain that thinking about my miscarriage and seeing pregnancy posts causes right now. It’s like the air is being sucked out of me, like I’m being kicked in the gut, like my heart is being ripped out.
I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions, including sadness because I lost a life and embarrassment because my body wasn’t able to do what it’s supposed to. In the end, I know there’s just nothing I could have done to change what happened. There’s usually nothing any of us can do, and that might be the hardest thing to wrap my head around with pregnancy loss. There’s most often not a single thing we could have done to prevent it.
I let myself dream of a big pregnancy bump. Of a cute pregnancy announcement. Of telling our friends and family and how happy of a time it would be. I thought of names for a boy and girl. I imagined what they would look like. I pictured their first Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I’ve hated myself for letting me get so attached.
I lost my baby at 7 weeks 1 day. I looked at miscarriage statistics every day up until then trying to alleviate my anxiety. I got excited with each passing day that the chance of having a full-term pregnancy was increasing. But I am part of the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in loss.
I am 1 in 4.
The process of pregnancy loss is painful and scary and emotional and devastating. It is hard, but you will get through this. It is ok to no be ok, and it’s ok to be ok. For anyone else out there going through this, know that you are not alone. Reach out to someone if you’re struggling, lean on others for support, and know that you are not alone.